Another thing I can’t stop thinking of? This denim pinafore from ASOS that I need alongside a black and white stripe tee, red lips, couple of weird pins/brooches, heidi braids, and temporary Lisa Frank tattoos.
I watched this video a few days ago via Refinery 29 and I just can’t stop thinking about it. I feel like the past few years I have obsessed over my age and the urgency to get my life together. On paper, I pretty much had it all in Chicago. Awesome job, my own place, amazing city, living with my long-term boyfriend, responsible, good at saving money. But the guy I fought so hard to be my one and only was so apathetic about things I wanted to explore, not to mention his own future. If I spent age 20-25 single, floating around without a care in the world, maybe meeting Ryan at 25 wouldn’t be so bad. I wouldn’t need all the fluff that I wasn’t getting in our relationship. Maybe I would just need him (whom I love, to this day).
Right now I feel like I’m playing catch up with experiences I should have had earlier on in my 20’s. I got so wrapped up in my desperate attempt to be an adult that I was blinded by love and what it could turn into. If I ever had an “a-ha moment,” it would be when I realized I was wasting too much energy on the wrong person. That’s pretty big. My relationship with Ryan was a major lesson in what I’m willing to compromise on (dealing with the many effects of his anxiety) and what I simply cannot tolerate (apathy). After years of caring so much about the outcome of our situation, I need a moment in my life to just be carefree.
Yet, according to this video, I shouldn’t have a temporary IDGAF-phase post-breakup. I should be pro-active in my career, looking for yet another potential life partner. You don’t have to tell me, I already know. But fuck that. Can I just have a break from it all? Please?
But, yeah, I get it. I don’t want to be that 35 year old train wreck who actually never got her shit together. Sometimes I think I’m trying, but mostly I know I’m not trying hard enough. Maybe I’m just mad that someone said the truth. That really, what I want to currently do is not productive to where I want to be. It’s a plan that goes backwards out of fear of what may come if I move forward (another heartbreak, rejection career-wise, etc). I need to go bigger than what I’m aiming for… in SO many ways.
constellation by darwin deez
this album is giving me LIFE this morning.
It always fascinates me how people go from loving you madly, to nothing at all. Nothing. It hurts so much… Well yes I’ll bump into him, we’ll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together. Then we’ll slowly think of each other less, and less until we forget each other completely. Almost.
Always the same for me.
Break up, break down.
Drink up, fool around.
Meet one guy, then another
fuck around to forget the one and only.
Then after a few months of total emptiness, start again to look for true love. Desperately look everywhere, and after two years of loneliness, meet a new love, and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well.
i know one of my goals this year was to spend more time discovering new music but someone just reminded me how important this album is to me. i bought this cd when i was 14 or 15 at good records and it changed me… as cheesy as that sounds. it was probably my first introduction to indie rock/pop and i remember dissecting every song, every lyric, dancing around my room to cherry chapstick, and feeling like last days of disco was the anthem of my life. yo la tengo has been one of my all time favorite bands ever since. this album is everything.
and there is something to be said about being 25 years old living in the same room i grew up in ten years ago. it’s fucking with my head a little bit. sometimes in good ways, sometimes in bad. right now it’s really hitting me that i spent some of the greatest moments discovering music in this very room and when i left it for chicago, everything changed. i wasn’t nearly as invested in this because i was out discovering the world… not music. and i need to realize that every experience i’ve had is no better than the other. it’s all been good. fuckin’ life, man.